Now that the Mercury Retrograde post-shadow period is over, I can finally discuss some of my experiences. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Taking breaks from people, places, and things is so important for my survival. Sometimes I need to completely block out the world, so I can hear myself think without interruption. I’m the type of person that needs time to recharge in a solo setting. I might alert the media (aka my friends and the people that I communicate with frequently) or I might quietly slither away into the darkness, it all depends on what I’m feeling. Most of the time, it’s nothing to worry about and if it is, then know that I’m not sitting around suffering silently. I have no problem seeking out help when I need it because that’s what it means to be my own best friend. My mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health are all important to me and if I have to drop what I’m doing and change my routine to elevate them, then that’s what I’m going to do, no questions asked. If my gut or my guides are instructing me to do something, then guess what I’m about to do? Exactly what I’m being led to do.
Someone expressed that they wanted to come back into my life during the pre-shadow period of Mercury rx. I discuss this briefly in this GRWM YouTube video. This was such an odd and unexpected experience. I hadn’t thought about this person in the last 4 or so years after I ended the connection because it wasn’t healthy. They reached out to a “family” member after finding their number and decided to spill their guts about me in hopes that there would be a reconnection between the two of us. This wasn’t something that I was interested in, even before this person reached out. I felt a mix of emotions, many of which were conflicting. I started feeling like my past self, back when I was deep in people pleasing mode and lacked strong boundaries. I almost got caught up in the whirlwind of my past ways of doing and being, but I caught myself. I was watching Haus Of Glock’s weekly live on YouTube and her words got me thinking. After the live ended, I started journaling and expressing my feelings. I wrote out why I was feeling conflicted and was able to break everything down into simple terms. This helped me to make the right decision for myself and I was so happy. I didn’t allow my anger to consume me and instead allowed myself to feel my feelings and put those feelings to rest. I’m not big on reviving the dead, meaning if a connection between us ended, then it probably ended for a reason and I’m not interested in bringing anything back to life.
During Mercury rx I thought about someone that I haven’t thought about in years. At one point, this person was the closest person to me, and it was no secret. I loved them with all my heart and wanted them to be a part of my life until my final breath on this earth, but that’s not always how life plays out. I reminisced about our memories, the secrets we shared, the constant heart to hearts we had, and all the beautiful moments that we experienced together. I was reminded how much I cherished our connection and how important it was for my development as a human being and as a friend. As we got older, our friendship was filled with more lows than highs, and those lows were scarring. Slowly I felt this person closing up as they began to rely on distraction from their deep-rooted problems. Distraction became their new best friend. Distraction was alcohol and sometimes it was drugs. Distraction was getting into situations that could’ve taken their life at any moment, and this wasn’t something that I could bear to witness, especially when the person saw no fault in their dangerous actions. It became a laughing matter for them and an eternal pity party. They knew what they needed to do but they didn’t want to do the work to help themselves. That was something that I had grown from and because of that I could no longer relate to someone digging their hole even deeper. Nothing was changing for the better, in fact, things only got worse on their end. They slowly evolved into someone that I could no longer recognize, they were merely a shell of their former self. It got to a point where it was no longer something that I could witness because staying would’ve meant putting myself in the line of fire and being looked at as someone that was made to be a savior, rather than a friend. I recently had a dream about this person and that caught me off guard. We were happy, laughing, and joking like we used to. This person asked me to return to your life and I almost said yes, but that’s when I realized that I’m not that same person anymore. I’m not the person that gives into a request to make someone else happy when I know that the decision will make me miserable. It took strength for me to walk away from destruction and I swore that I would never return, and I’m keeping that promise to myself. I closed the door that connected us once and for all in my dream, and that door will never be revisited because now I’m at peace, and I hope that this person will be at peace one day too.
I dealt with many feelings of insecurity during Mercury rx. It felt like the past was continuously coming back to bite and I was over it. These past feelings are something that I'm still dealing with even after the post-shadow period is over. A part of me just wants to shake this off but doing this means that I won't actually get to the root of the issue, which is what needs to happen. I refuse to take the "easy" route because that won't be the route that makes me feel any better. Hard work pays off they say and they're right but right now things just feel hard. Sometimes I miss the old me because it was so much easier to be oblivious to the world around me and to the feelings inside of me, but I've grown far beyond the point of ever going back and that's something that I have to accept. Some days I miss my old life, my old friends, my old routines, and so forth but none of that is something that I can get back, and even if I could, it's not something that I truly would want. Reality can hurt but I'd rather be real than fake.
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