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To Hell & Back - My Healing Journey

Topics discussed: depression, healing journey


I have been experiencing a whirlwind of emotion. The entire month of January felt like a tidal wave swept me up and swallowed me whole. I picked myself apart piece by piece and observed myself through the deepest lens and it was... overwhelming yet exciting. Understanding myself has always been something that I've struggled with from time to time, especially when the hustle and bustle of life gets to be too much for me. During those times where it's difficult to hear myself think because there's so much going on. I missed silence. I missed joy. I missed seeing the sunshine and feeling its rays pierce my sensitive skin. I don't do well in the sun but that doesn't mean that I should take its light for granted. Depression crept up on me in the gentlest way. It cradled me like a mother holding their child. It was such a familiar feeling but nonetheless, it's a feeling that I'm not fond of. I spent so many years depressed that it even shocked the woman that I spoke to from the crisis hotline years back. Depression is both my friend and my foe. I'm just a normal woman with an ocean of emotion waiting to be explored. The only ocean that I'm not afraid of venturing into, even when it's freezing cold. I felt hallow but I knew that meant that I could fill myself with whatever that I chose to. It was a new opportunity to become whole again in ways that I couldn't fully grasp, but that didn't stop me from trying anyway. I tried, cried, and continued forward. My path led me all over the world, figuratively speaking. I made it to the tops of the tallest mountains and then back down onto the flattest ground. I felt like was underground for a few weeks straight and I didn't tell anyone about the darkness that I was experiencing. I trust myself to go to hell and back and come out brand new. Life is not all love and light, and never has been. Life is full of uncertainty, clouded judgement, anger, and resentment but it doesn't mean that is all there is. There is so much life to live. There is so much to be discovered. I turned over every stone in my mind just to see what was on the other side. I spent these last 4 weeks turning my mind inside out just to see what would happen and what I would feel. Truth be told, I feel better because I allowed myself to go through the motions. I gave myself the time and space that I needed to cry, to be angry, to hate, to love. I'm happy that I did it, even though it wasn't always pleasant. That's just a part of life and I'm here to experience every single bit of it through all the highs and all the lows.

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