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Smoke and Mirrors

Some realizations hurt. Realizing that I’ve changed and can no longer view someone or something in the same light that I once did. Realizing that I can no longer put up a front and pretend to be understanding or ok with something when I’m not. Many things that I used to be comfortably uncomfortable with are not possible for me anymore. Maybe it was my way of “keeping the peace” but it wasn’t my peace that was being kept, it was always someone else’s. Turning thirty has taught me a lot and it’s only been a few weeks. I’m learning to be less understanding of other people’s bs because their bs has nothing to do with me. I used to be someone that cared too much and I’m becoming someone that isn’t so sensitive, which is allowing me not to be drowned by emotion. I remember back when the slightest thing would set me off and luckily for me, my breakdowns were in private, in silence. That’s what helped me work through things because I had to learn to pick up the pieces and had the space to do so without everyone in my ear telling me what they think is right. That’s what I need to get back to. Lately I’ve been re-learning the importance of tuning out other people and their unnecessary thoughts and opinions about me. To whoever reads this, you do not know me more than I know myself. You cannot advise me how I advise myself because I’m the only one in my body. I’m the only one that can feel what I feel daily. You get to experience me from the outside looking in, not from the inside looking out. There’s a difference. I’m tired of people trying to tell me who I am, what goes on in my brain, or what I need to be doing. If I didn’t ask, the don’t tell. Not all of your thoughts need to be known, same with mine.

This year has helped me to separate what stays from what goes. I now know what is for me and what isn’t, and I’m no longer wearing rose colored glasses to cushion the impact of what was going on. I’d rather just accept things for what they are and not for what I hope they can become. Seeing potential isn’t enough because potential doesn’t amount to anything if no action is being taken. Being realistic has saved me from a world of heartbreak and annoyance, and I’m appreciative of that. No more lying to myself when it comes to myself, my friendships, my connections, and anything else. My goals moving forward are to keep trying my best and to continue to apply what I have learned. Those lessons are gold, they are valuable, and I won’t let them go to waste. I love myself too much to let them go to waste. All in all, if you think that I’m acting differently it’s because I am. I’m no longer accepting less than what I’m deserving of and if that means that I have to upset some people, then so be it. Cheers to my thirties.


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