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Hilltops

I've been having trouble with finding magic in life. The "little" things that I would see, hear, and feel that made me happy. Things like seeing a beautiful rainbow, watching a butterfly as it flies by, and seeing signs and synchronicities that I know mean so much more than I'm allowing them to. It feels like a certain spark is missing from my life and it's exposing a deeper level of my inner cavern that has yet to be explored. I'm in a continuous flow of deep shadow work and I'm honestly tired. Facing myself in this way is healing, painful, invigorating, and scary. The period that I'm in requires deep trust during a time where I'm finding it hard to even trust myself at times. It's been a constant reminder that I have faced these foes before and that when in doubt, I must look to the past to reignite the courage that I once had. If I did it once, I can do it again. That's what I keep telling myself, even though a part of me doesn't believe in what I'm saying.

 

I miss when my human experience didn't feel so dull, back when everything was in color and not black and white. I don't know if it's the weight of the world or my own inner destruction and repair that I've been feeling but it's been a lot. One good thing about my life not being in color is that I have the opportunity to use the brightest and most vibrant paints to color the world around me and create something totally new. I'm learning to take my time with my art; with myself because, after all, I am my greatest art piece. A masterpiece. I've managed to descend into the deepest and darkest parts of myself for the billionth time and just like before, I will make it out the other side. I'm learning not to lean on toxic positivity by telling myself to simply think on the bright side. Sometimes, I need to explore my inner chaos before I can even fathom anything but my darkness. People have told me that I should focus on the positive and snap out of where my head is at, as if it's just that easy. If I don’t take the time to feel, then I will avoid and that’s not going to help me succeed, and success is my ultimate goal.

 

When I started writing the first portion of this blog about a week ago and there have been so many changes that I've experienced. Those changes have been magnificent. The magic that I was searching for is returning and quick. That dull feeling is leaving my body, and everything is being replaced with vivid colors and imagery. The birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, and the life that I once knew has died and been reborn into something more beautiful. I prayed for change, and change is here. This experience has been a reminder for me not to give up or give in to defeat. I will never give up on myself, no matter how hard life gets. To anyone that has fallen upon hard times, I’m sending you my love and praying that you, too, find your light through the darkness.

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